Monday, July 23, 2007

McClain as Convocation Speaker

Group of 88 stalwart and incoming Academic Council chairperson Paula (“no to due process”) McClain will be the speaker for this year’s opening convocation for graduate and professional school students. (The convocation occurs on August 22.)

Given the administration’s creative re-interpretation of the Group of 88 statement, I suppose such a selection would be expected.

I invite readers to use the comment section to recommend topics for McClain’s address; I’ll post the most creative responses tonight.

[As of 7.40pm, some of the more creative of the many amusing suggestions; a further update later.]

“How to cost your employer millions of dollars in legal settlements AND get cool new titles”

“Why Due Process is so 20th century”

“To the students of Duke University, we are listening. Well, not to most of you.”

“88 ways to spin racism and politics to sell your product and promote yourself.”

“Actual evidence in the U.S. criminal justice system: who needs it?”

“Why Duke Process is not Due Process”: Subtitle: “Don’t trust anybody over 30. Really. We mean it.”

“Incoherency, the forgotten virtue”

“Duke University: where anything you say can and will be used against you -- unless you’re a member of the 88, in which case, anything you say (no matter how stupid, defamatory, incorrect, etc.,) will be used to justify giving you a promotion.”

“Turning up the volume and making collective noise: How to throw your classmates under the bus”

“Reality: What a Concept”

202 comments:

1 – 200 of 202   Newer›   Newest»
Anonymous said...

"Destroying Duke into the 21st Century"

Anonymous said...

"The New Duke University...shhh, don't tell your rich, white mommy and daddy"

Anonymous said...

"How to cost your employer millions of dollars in legal settlements AND get cool new titles"

Anonymous said...

"Everyone here isn't a rocket scientist...look at me"

Anonymous said...

"Look left, then right, then left again...and don't turn around"

Anonymous said...

Why Due Process is so 20th century.

wayne fontes said...

Movin On Up
Constucting a Post-Modern City Upon The Hill


For we must consider that we shall be as a post modern city upon a hill. The eyes of all academia are upon us. So that if we shall deal falsely with our meta-narrative in this work we have undertaken...we shall be made a story and a by-word throughout academia. We shall open the mouths of heteronormative oppressors to speak evil of the ways of PC...We shall shame the faces of many of progressive politics worthy servants, and cause their prayers to be turned into curses upon us till we be cashiered out of academia whither we are forced to find gainful employment.

Anonymous said...

Welcome to Duke, home of the white... I mean Blue Devils.... yeah... BLUE Devils... that's it.

Anonymous said...

"Be useful with that axe, Nifong: Feminist themes in Icelandic epic poetry."

Chicago said...

A great thing for her to discuss would be taking a page from Eduardo Bonilla-Silva and discussing why the facts really do not matter in life or at least at Duke. What matters is your race, class and gender.

Another good topic might be how white students can expect to be treated and judged by professors such as Kim Curtis, Karla Holloway, Mark Anthony Neal and Grant Farred.

Also, a reassurance to minority students that if you threaten to rape a Duke employee's 16 year old daughter and head up a frat that the national chapter suspends, you too can be honored with elite awards at the end of your tenure at Duke.

gs said...

Ignoring due process in white america.

Anonymous said...

As former Democratic Presidential candidate George McGovern said to former United States Senator and his Vice-presidential candidate Senator Eagleton so long ago, here at Duke University, we support our students 1,000 per cent more-or-less, give or take a few percentage points depending on the situation provided there is not a question of presumed . . . whatever.

Anonymous said...

"To the students of Duke University, we are listening. Well, not to most of you."

Anonymous said...

I hope you are not male, white, Yankee, Catholic or just stupid enough to enroll . . . er, matriculate here at Dook.

Anonymous said...

What it is . . . looks like a floatin' penis . . . good God!

Anonymous said...

Due Process, Only for Me and not for Thee

Anonymous said...

How to bring down your employer, sock it to your benefactors, and come out on top . . .

How to advance the cause of evil and claim the moral high ground. Hot Spit! How to be wonderfully horrible.

How hatred intertwines magnificently with fascism. How to hate, how to distort, how to destroy by pretending that evil is good.

How to be a fool and damn proud of it!

Anonymous said...

We have a new bond out program which is run in co-operation with the Durham Police Department. Call 1-800-***-**** (You know the number.)

Anonymous said...

"... and now to a subject with great importance to mankind... the floating phallus!"

Anonymous said...

I know what I'm talkin' about . . . get on the good foot and bend over retards . . . keep yo wallet out.

Anonymous said...

Duh floatin' phallas it is. I know what I'm talkin' about . . . get on the good foot and bend over retards . . . keep yo wallet out and get ready for the floatin' phallus.

Anonymous said...

Our programs have 88 ways to make da floatin' phallus . . . float yo way . . . like a Mayan . . . you know . . . only betta.

Anonymous said...

A post-structuralist apprach to challenging conventional views of race, class, gender, and sexuality in opening convocations for graduate and professional school students.

-J-

Anonymous said...

Castrate, emasculate, and how to vibrate . . . with da floatin' penis . . . you know feminists studies for modern times.

Anonymous said...

Castrate, emasculate, and how to vibrate . . . with da floatin' penis . . . you know feminists studies for modern times.

Anonymous said...

You have to break some students to make a university.

Anonymous said...

Perversity is our strength.

Anonymous said...

What is the reference to "floatin' phallas"? I must have missed it.

Thanks

Anonymous said...

Could you define conventional views of whatever . . . that would be a baseline of/for deviation would it not . . . so what it is . . . .

Anonymous said...

Welcome to Duke, where we will teach you how to create screwball race/class/gender theories that you can then parlay into "forthcoming" publications that you can use to secure well-paid teaching positions at idiotic universities like this one.

Gary said...

88 ways to spin racism and politics to sell your product and promote yourself.

Anonymous said...

Why facts don't matter.

Anonymous said...

Putting the Whah back in Wahneema!

Anonymous said...

Actual evidence in the U.S. criminal justice system: who needs it?

Anonymous said...

"Welcome to my sandbox - here are the 88 rules"

Anonymous said...

Why the presumption of innocence does not apply to white male students at Duke.

Anonymous said...

Extreme political correctness: learn to love it (or find yourself another graduate school).

Anonymous said...

To the Freshman Class of 2011

Who in the world are you? At Duke you will learn to explain yourself in terms of race, gender and sexuality.

Gary Packwood said...

Duke, Why there are no atheists in Methodist foxholes

striker said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

...

"The McBroadhead Mamalogues"

Anonymous said...

"Grace Under Pressure: Inspirations from my 87 colleagues during our battle against KC Johnson and the rest of the truth police."

Anonymous said...

Correction:

"The McBrodhead Mamalogues"

Anonymous said...

"We don't care. We don't have to."

Anonymous said...

"You are on your own."

Anonymous said...

"Why Duke Process is not Due Process"

Subtitle: Don't trust anybody over 30. Really. We mean it.

Anonymous said...

Why outdated concepts like "truth" and "justice" have no place in the post-modern world of Duke University.

Anonymous said...

"You're next four years (or 30, whatever)"

Anonymous said...

Oops

^Your

Anonymous said...

"Blind Injustice: How to justify how my 87 colleagues failed to consider the repercutions of a rush to judgement, and continue to blame others for not apologizing."

Anonymous said...

"Go Figure: I Can't Believe They're Paying Me (real money!)."

haskell said...

"I am elated to articulate a new award, the Barnum-Bessimer-Forepaugh Prize, to be bestowed at those students whose parents continue to pay exceedingly exorbitant tuition to this Institution."

The inscription reads "There's a sucker born every minute...and two to take 'em."

The source of the quote is most likely famous con-man Joseph ("Paper Collar Joe") Bessimer. Barnum's fellow circus owner and arch-rival Adam Forepaugh attributed the quote to Barnum in a newspaper interview in an attempt to discredit him. However, Barnum never denied making the quote. It is said that he thanked Forepaugh for the free publicity he had given him.

hat tip to Wikipedia

Anonymous said...

"Incoherency, the forgotten virtue"

Anonymous said...

Duke University: where anything you say can and will be used against you -- unless you're a member of the 88, in which case, anything you say (no matter how stupid, defamatory, incorrect, etc.,) will be used to justify giving you a promotion.

Anonymous said...

Caveat Emptor: Watch out for the Durham Justice System, the Durham Police, the Duke Police, the Duke Faculty, and Duke.

Anonymous said...

Abandon hope, all ye white males who enter here.

Anonymous said...

Turning up the volume and making collective noise - How to throw your classmates under the bus

Anonymous said...

I vote for The McBroadhead Mamalogues. That is one of the best coinages I have ever seen. So many interpretations! Seriously, I hope that at least one entering student stands up and asks McClain to tell the group what she thinks about her part in the Duke faculty's attack on the lacrosse team. -- Steve

Anonymous said...

Angry Studies Means Never Having to Say You’re Sorry.

Anonymous said...

An Inconvenient Truth: How Privileged White Males Transformed their Dreams of a Free and Open Society into the Most Powerful and Prosperous Democratic State in the History of the World (and Why We PC Dukies So Hate to Give Them or their Progeny Any Credit for it).

Anonymous said...

I wonder whether any faculty in attendance, in academic regalia, would just quietly walk out as she moves to the rostrum?

Anonymous said...

"Shut Up and Learn" (and remember that "learning" in this institution means parroting back to your professors their ultra-leftist theories in which race/class/gender always trump any plebian concepts like truth and justice).

Anonymous said...

We never make mistakes.

haskell said...

I am please to announce a new school at our fine institution, the School of Political Correctness.

Politicians, newspersons, corporate middle managers, and persons of minority are welcome. White males need not apply, we have far too many of them already at Duke.

Anonymous said...

Reality.What a concept.
Corwin

Gary Packwood said...

Nuanced Commentary by Broadhead’s Pollyanna
or
Why you must don farm boots here when "exploring" the undergraduate course catalogue.
or
New rules for sandbox behavior here at Duke
or
Duke is not taking on water.

Anonymous said...

"limnetic playboy uniformitarian contriteness"

with a hat tip to the phrase generator at:

http://watchout4snakes.com/creativitytools/RandomWord/RandomPhrase.aspx

haskell said...

"I know, indeed, that some honest men fear that a republican government cannot be strong; that this government is not strong enough.

"But would the honest patriot, in the full tide of successful experiment, abandon a government which has so far kept us free and firm, on the theoretic and visionary fear that this government, the world's best hope, may by possibility want energy to preserve itself? I trust not.

"I believe this, on the contrary, the strongest government on earth. I believe it is the only one where every man, at the call of the laws, would fly to the standard of the law, and would meet invasions of the public order as his own personal concern."

"... Feedom of person under the protection of the habeas corpus; and trial by juries impartially selected. These principles form the bright constellation which has gone before us, and guided our steps through an age of revolution and reformation.

"The wisdom of our sages and the blood of our heroes have been devoted to their attainment. They should be the creed of our political faith, the text of civil instruction, the touchstone by which to try the services of those we trust; and should we wander from them in moments of error or alarm, let us hasten to retrace our steps and to regain the road which alone leads to peace, liberty, and safety."

Academic Council Chairperson Paula McLain?? Nah, just kidding, it was Thomas Jefferson.

Anonymous said...

I am so pleased to announce a new major available at Duke in the Study of Ethics. The new department will be chaired by Michael B. Nifong.

haskell said...

Opening remarks:

"I know many of you are embarrassed to be here and that you wish to God that you had been accepted somewhere else."

Anonymous said...

Transgendered Lesbian Professors Only Need Apply Here

scott said...

McClain: Want to join our not so secret club? We even have a theme song. The words are on your program, so stand up and sing along with me.

I've been working on the railroad since I came to Duke

I've been working on the railroad cause white guys make me puke

Can't you hear the pots a banging

Thanks to those who do not wait

Can't you see the banners waving

It's time for us to castrate

Anonymous said...

Any students with integrity should hold up signs, or at least walk out, when she comes on. Why should these rats like her think everything is just as usual after they revealed their true colors?

Anonymous said...

"Lord of The Flies At Duke: If Your're A White Male, You're Piggy."

"Fitting In At Duke: Kiss Our Ass or Fail The Class!"

Anonymous said...

My name is Paula McClain. I am the incoming chairperson for Academic Council. On behave of the BOT and our President, I want to give you a special welcome.

Although Duke University has existed for many decades, I want to tell you that it has changed dramatically in the last 15 years. We used to be such a backwards university, trying to pass oursevles as educators. You simply would not believe the courses we used to teach.

Well we have moved to the 21st century and now are catching up to the most racist, bigotist, Marxist, place of higher learning. We no longer are bound by scholarship, now we esteem those who can elevate discourse to include how we are going to advance the demise of western civilization by the end of this decade.

We cannot escape the fact that most of you have heard about the lacrosse team. Well, we have quielty been recruiting more faculty and now want to include students as well to join the Group of 88. I guarantee, that for those of you that want to go into education, this will be a bright star in your resume.

So, welcome to the Duke family, and we have some new pots in the lobby we'd like you to bring to our new get together.

Anonymous said...

Is McClain a Communist?

Anonymous said...

To that familiar tune:

Fee, fee, fi, fi, fo-fo, fum
Look at Crystal now, here she comes
Wearing her wig hat and shades to match
She's got high heel shoes and an alligator hat
Wearin' her pearls and love-stained pants
She's got bracelets on her fingers now, and falling flat
She's a devil who's a true mess, true mess, true mess....


D White

Anonymous said...

Did anyone attend Linwood Wilson's gospel concert last night?

KC, was it well attended? Did you get Saved?

mac said...

McClain's Topic on change:

"Change: making change at MacDonald's."

mac said...

"Race: through a dull lens darkly."

No justice, no peace said...

4:44 #1 "Perversity is our strength", you get my vote...that's rich

4:44 #2 "What is the reference to "floatin' phallas"? I must have missed it."...you are clearly an anti-intellectualist defined...

no justice, no peace said...

"Have their checks cleared? ...What's that, the mic is live? I thought this was a closed meeting?"

Anonymous said...

This is how we do it at Ho-U (howard university) in DC. Just look at how our average mcat,lsat etc scores compare to the national average.

no justice, no peace said...

They have indeed become what they despise, their mythology of a middle-aged white Archie Bunker...

Very nice..."Subtitle: Don't trust anybody over 30. Really. We mean it."

mac said...

"Racial is as racial does."


An ode to myself, Paula McClain:
"True Colors."

no justice, no peace said...

"I'll take bad dreams for $400 Alex."

mac said...

Or:

"Paula McClain, an ode to myself:
True Colors"

(as sung by Cyndi Lauper)

mac said...

Paula McClain: Changes
Lyrics by David Bowie

mac said...

"Sex, Lies and Stereotypes."

mac said...

"Race - a song -
I sing myself."

Anonymous said...

James Madison Didn't Know What The Hell He Was Talking About.

By Paula McClain

The Constitution and a few basic facts ruined my Metanarrative!!!

mac said...

"88 bottles of beer on the wall."

mac said...

CCI: Crime Crock Investigation

Anonymous said...

Another suggestion: "How to publish a thinly-disguised prejudicial ad and intimidate the university president along the way"

Anonymous said...

"On behalf 87 of my closest peers...PLEASE, somebody take our classes!"

mac said...

The Dukes of Hazmat

mac said...

CCI: Campus Crap Initiative

Anonymous said...

KIRK: Set phasers to "RANT"!

What makes "SpiderPig" so funny is that a regular pig would make a terrible superhero. The genius exists in the fact that even a magical or superintelligent pig can only aspire to share a few human traits, such as speech or walking on hind legs. Thus, for even magical or highly intelligent pigs, the dream of being a superhero is just that - a dream.

Much like SpiderPig, the Gang of 88 have attempted to take on mantles that they cannot, in their wildest dreams, and even after many lifetimes of instruction by competent professors, ... take on.

Thus, even assuming reincarnation and that the reincarnated spirits would continue pre-existing research in future existences, this Gang of SpiderPigs could not be expected to contribute to society.

______________

SPOCK: Set phasers to "REAL SCIENCE":

Even a third grader knows that "PATHOS THEORY" provides that in a perfect politically correct system, the degree of randomness and pathetic-ness of intended and unintended consequences depends upon the emotional variance from true justice.

The "BILLY MUMY POSTULATE" provides that the fear created in a perfect politically correct system depends upon the "Number" of people exercising "Power" without the "Likelihood" of any type of retribution. It looks like this:

(P x N) - L = Fear

There has to be a way to balance this equation. The sociological balance to the equation, of course, is the BACKLASH. In this case, the backlash was (and continues to be) monumental because of the large numbers in the equation above.

A lot of people with a lot of power and no liklihood of retribution went 180 degrees away from true justice.

(P x N) + L = Backlash

Backlash = a really big number, man
_____________

SCOTTY: Set your phasers to "JOHNSON":

"I have traveled to many dimensions and different realities. I have witnessed K.C. Johnson as benevolent Kings, as movie stars, as exalted phlatagers*, as daring explorers. In the Earthly realm, he is accomplishing so much more. Chronicles of Galactus, at Starpage 4,39998dljfdlj (3433). Moo! Gregory

* "Phlatager" is one who phlatages.

mac said...

Greatest Hits of Ram Jam

mac said...

Poker in Amerika: Playing the Race Cards

mac said...

Celebrate - caa-aastrate,
Dance to the mu-usic!

mac said...

"Ask me a question: the answer is still 'no'!"

mac said...

"50 ways to kill your students."

Anonymous said...

"Why White Students Would Be Better Off Not Bothering to Unpack"

mac said...

"Calling the kettle a racist."

Anonymous said...

"BROADHEAD-ed DICK"

Anonymous said...

Why it is a privilege to pay $45,000 per annum for Orwellian indoctrination in how Marxist ideology can be twisted for the benefit of people of color and the detriment of everyone.

Or, why you should be really, really careful when picking required humanities courses.

Anonymous said...

"An Inconvenient Truth"

mac said...

Rodney Dangerfield/Paula McClain:
"Take my course...please!"

mac said...

"Change is very difficult"
especially for people who have
already made up their minds.

mac said...

"How to boost enrollment in your own classes," by Paula McClain.

mac said...

"We have to change." Well, not us.
You, maybe. But not us.

Anonymous said...

The G88 appear to be frauds of magnitude comparable to CGM and Nofing and that is saying something!

Cedarford said...

"My Topic is Why You Graduate and Professional School Graduates Must Sometimes Be Unquestioning Lickspittle to the Incompetent Likes of Wahneema Lubiano to Protect Your Tenure Track or Tenured Reputation."

Further:

Now I know my topic sounds difficult. Eat a shit sandwich shoved at you by some Affirmative Action hire 50 IQ points lower than yourself? Publicly humiliate yourself endorsing vapid nonsense?

Trust me, Dr. Paula McClain...because I am here to tell you that enforcing PC will become easy, automatic, second-hand with the passage of your time in the faculty world...

As a matter of fact, if you come before me in a peer-review paper submission, an accredidation committee, for dissertations, hiring, tenure review...this convocation is especially important because it tells you what is expected of you

Anonymous said...

You too can become an esteemed extortionist.

Or, don't tell the emperor that he's naked.

Anonymous said...

To mac @ every other minute: You are the King of the one-liner!
________________

Paula McClain:

"Grand Unified Queer String Theory"

Including such popular subheadings as:

Chapter 1: "How the interspeciest being jumped over the racist, floating penis."

Chapter 2: "How to give $45k to Grifters."

Chapter 3: "Where you from son? Only queers and queers come from Central America, boy."

Chapter 4: "Pathos Theory II - The Revenge of Logic"

Chapter 5: "Angry Studies - Tenured Manure."

Chapter 6: "You are feeling sleepy, very sleepy ... you are now under my control ... if there is a white guy sitting next to you, punch him in the nuts ... when I snap my fingers, you will wake up and remember nothing of what I said other than your new-found hatred of white penises. [SNAP]"

_______________

"Each cell of his body is actually a miniature K.C. Johnson. When he bleeds, the blood will run down the street looking to thwart a robbery or solve a crime." New England Journal of Medicine (Aug. 2007). MOO! Gregory

Anonymous said...

Diversity of detachment from reality: why people eschew reason.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Cogito ergo nefas.

mac said...

CCI: Paula McClain merges Physics with Trinity:

Isolated Quarks and Quantum Queer Theory

The Matrix Stops Here

The Black Hole: Racist Physicists
Blame Blacks for Everything

Gary Packwood said...

Duke's new ivy league curriculum for sad people who have no friends

mac said...

Doo Process at Duke

mac said...

Dick Brodhead and Paula McClain sing harmony in the musical:
"Ebony and Outta Key"

Anonymous said...

"How many wrongs is it going to take to make a right? (still counting)"

mac said...

"Welcome to the Hotel Duke University"
(such a lovely place)

mac said...

MOO Gregory: sorry to lift your riff on the "String Theory."

inman said...

Duke University: Where the campus bus stops at the prison.

Duque UnKKKDiversity (The K's and 2nd D are silent.)

Floating facts, phalluses and falsehoods-- A study of alternate genderalizations.

Theory, Evidence and Theorectical Evidence: A Durhhhmies Guide to Forensic Creativity

Who said listening required ears?

Can anyone here spell DNA?

Lesbian Phsycic Sensual Repositories of Philo Organometry as an Explanation for Dark Human Matter in the Latin American Tradition of Guacamole Skinny Dips as a Replacement for Racist Transgenderism

mac said...

Your rights end where my nose begins; my rights end with my fist in your nose.

Anonymous said...

"Duke: The school of hard knocks."

mac said...

(With 4:11's inspiration:)

McClain To White Male Privileged Athletes:
"Do the Dukey Pokey"

inman said...

Announcing the Hugh Hefner Endowed Chair in Applied Sexual Engineering

Anonymous said...

I don't gotta show you no stinking honor

JeffM

mac said...

"Welcome to to the Hotel Diversity?"

Anonymous said...

"We don't have to look out for our students, the Durham Police does it for us."

LaRrY said...

What "no" really means as an apology.

inman said...

The Popeil Pocket Due-process Protector -- A Parent's Perfect Present for Photo-array Pfreshman

inman said...

Who needs Guantanemo? We've got Duke!

inman said...

Charlie Chaplain, Keystone Kops and the Modern DPD

Anonymous said...

How to be dumb, stupid and crass and still get paid by Duke and it's foolish Alumini.

Anonymous said...

GODDAMN HONKIES

3 credits; co-instructors Bonilla-Silva and Farred

inman said...

Houston...We have a problem.

Rub-a-dub-dub
Three men in a tub;
And who do you think they be?
Nifong, and Baker,
and Brodhead the Flaker;
Turn 'em out, knaves all three!

Nifong's hat trick said...

Race Baiting and American Professors

Change is difficult, especially for Professors

Here we are 88 warts and all. What do we do about those warts?

Why Duke should never examine the 88 choices to believe a lying drugged up prostitute instead of the students who were carefully screened and selected to attend our University.

Anonymous said...

The source of much more alternate reality than the Duke Parapsychology Laboratory...

Anonymous said...

Sex and the City--a story of Durham but not at 610 N. Buchanan


Broomsticks and Bedknobs--the ins and outs of the Duke LAX Hoax



The Race to Judgment---what trumps the race card




Problem Child 88



Duke Faculty--We take care of our own




Railroad Express--Don't leave home and doubt it


Freaking Exotic Routines Proceeding Anatomically

Anonymous said...

Sex & the City--The story of the Durham Bullshitters

AF

Anonymous said...

Wahhh, nee ma daily fix uv PC crap

Anonymous said...

KIRK: Set phasers to hypocrisy:

I think that Paula McClain should be upfront with her plans and ambitions, that she should bravely cede from the University, that she should, once and for all, decry reason and announce the -

GANG OF 88 BILL OF RIGHTS:


1st Amendment: "Process what we do, not due process."

2nd Amendment: "The right to keep and bare hairy legs shall not be infringed." [replaces the right to bear arms].

3rd Amendment: "Duke shall make no tenure requirement prohibiting the free exercise of retardation, or the right of retards to assemble and retardedly petition the tenure committee."

4th Amendment: "A well regulated New Black Panters Party, being necessary to enforce the "BILLY MUMY POSTULATE," shall not be infringed. Penis.

5th Amendment: "The University shall not deprive the professoriate of life, liberty or the pursuit of a wicked huge bong, nor deny the professoriate the right to mete out the unequal protection of the laws, or floating penis."

6th Amendment: In all criminal prosecutions involving white males with penises, the accused shall, penis, enjoy the right to NO trial, penis, by a partial jury of retards, to not be confronted by the witnesses against him, penises, and to have his attorneys represent the interests of the school, not the student. Penis.

___________

If you look closely at the Declaration of Independence, you can see that K.C. Johnson signed 7 times, and most of the other signatures appear to be in his handwriting. The rolling "r's" and the hearts above the "i's" pretty much gave him away. Benjamin Franklin, AMERICAN DA VINCI IN PHILLY (1789). MOO! Gregory

Anonymous said...

How to survive higher education at Duke: Act like a parrot and stop thinking

Anonymous said...

It Happened One Night (at 610 N. Buchanan Blvd)



Harry Potter and the Case of the Imperiled Players



AF

Gary Packwood said...

In Defense of Winning

Anonymous said...

Oops - did I really say that?

Hypocrisy 101: What to do when something silly like the truth gets in the way.

Repeat After Me: You will be assimilated....

Welcome to Duke: Where $45,000 a year just doesn't go that far anymore.

Revisionist History 101: An exploration of when the Constitution is really necessary after all. (Guest lecturer: Sgt. Gottlieb)

Parents: Special offer - send your kids to Duke and they might never come back!

JWM said...

"Facts and other threats to race, class and gender scholarship."

"'Because I'm tenured:' A post-modernist response to realists."

John in Carolina

rrhamilton said...

"Duke University: Where We Turn The white Devils Blue!"

inman said...

Hey Gregory...when I read your last post it occurred to me that the Supreme Court, the legal profession and legal academics have been misinterpreting the Constitution all these years. The right to bear arms does not refer to firearms after all.

What that right entitles us to is arms from Ursus Americanus, prosthetically attached. We all have the right to Ursus arms. Each American, of course, can choose his own species of arm as long as its a bear arm. Now, that clearly invites the question of whether we are also entitled to the right to bear claws. That'll have to be litigated in various appelate jurisdictions and, of course, decided in the Supreme Court.

So, in that vein, how about this:

"The Right to a Speedy Trial: Mach Trial in Lieu of the "Chihuahua al Pacífico."

Anonymous said...

"I never metanarrative I didn't like."

Anonymous said...

"Like Being Mugged by a Metanarrative: Multiculturalism and Castrate Metaphors"
(note: forthcoming)

Gary Packwood said...

My name is Professor Paula McClain and I am in charge this year of weekly campus seminars concerning the faculty handbook and our campus judicial system.

Gary Packwood said...

Forthcoming and Goings

inman said...

Now...to offer an observation...

from the Bill of Rights:

"Amendment VI
In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the state and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense."

Paula McLain could address the subject:

"How to obtain, in Durham NC, 'an impartial jury ... wherein the crime shall have been committed."

It is tautologically impossible for Durham to meet the hurdle of impartiality. Accordingly, Durham (by definition) must be adjudged unconstitutional and should not be allowed to function as a governmental unit anyomre. Someone needs to be appointed as a conservator of the good people of Durham....what to do with the bad people is problematic. I'd suggest a speedy trial and the "Chihuahua al Pacífico."

We can invent the facts as needed. After all, many in Durham voiced the notion that facts don't matter.

inman said...

11:26

hahahaha

Anonymous said...

Nothing that rises will converge. I believe in the right to a speedo trial. Back panthers are cool. Where did MacClain get that ho dress - she cool 2. Broad-giving -Head just sucks. Justice sucks. Where r the Divinity School in all this? Did they run home 2? Are they chickin shit like the rest of em? Panic.

inman said...

Hi. I am Professor McLain. Please let me profess. You are here at Duke...welcome. First, an important subject. "Facts." We've all seen these elusive notions flittering about the media and the judiciary. Pay no mind. It is clear to my 87 brethren that a serious misunderstanding has occurred. Recently, "facts" have been mispelled in the media and the courts. The correct spelling is "F acts" just as there are "D acts" "C acts" "B acts" and "A acts".

To avoid "F acts" you should consider a major in one of the ASS departments ...that's our cute little acronym for "Angry StudieS". I should note that it used to stand for "Assinine StudieS... but we've really grown up."

Again, welcome to a F actless University.

Anonymous said...

ACCIO JUSTICE!
________________

To Inman: You must be a strict constructionist (or a strict interspeciesist)!

_________________

"Duke University: Where every historic event, literary work, mathematical equation, musical piece and scientific theory either looks like, smells like, or is in some vague way shaped like a penis or a vagina. Penis!"

"Not your father's Queer Theory."
_____________

ACCIO LOGIC:

Paula McClain is rumored to be considering reading some letters to the gathering, including the following:


Dear Gang of 88:

I am writing to congratulate you on your deeds. One suggestion: When you attempt to murder someone, don't SIGN the taunting letter.

Cheers,


Zodiac

P.S. Gacy is cracking me up! He said you should bury them in the basement of the AAS building next time! LOL!

__________________
After K.C. tamed the Wild West, he taught it a few tricks. Wild Bill Hiccup (Dodge City Press, 1894). MOO! Gregory

Anonymous said...

The rumor that the McClain diversity wave involves my middle finger are true.

Be afraid. We've penciled in Monday for your perp walk.

Due process? Pffffffttttttttttttttttttttttt

The rumor that the McClain Diversity Wave involves my middle finger are true.

Group of 88 Enrollment Initiative: The Big Fester.

NeoDuke. White male athletes need not apply.

Good-bye meritocracy.

Mandatory Multicultural and Me.

Yes but, but *sputter sputter* if I answered "his" emails, I'd look even more foolish.

inman said...

Gregory....damn...I missed the interspeciest interpretation of the bear arm and claws.

Nice catch!

Anonymous said...

If you talk about the Nappy-Headed Hoax, don I mus run

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Michael said...

We pride ourselves as being a progressive community
here at Duke, but we're also old-fashioned in some
ways as well. For example when it comes to due
process, we say 'Thanks for not waiting"

inman said...

Gregory,...have you ever noticed that 'vagina' has six letters while 'penis' only has five?

vagina -- 3 consanants and 3 vowels
penis -- 3 consanants and only 2 vowels

The extra letter is a 'vowel' ---

Further have you noticed that the word 'vowel' starts with a 'v' which brings us full circle to 'vagina' and the Latin American floating kegel exercise tapes being marketed on the internet through Sotheby's.

_______

Note: Alternate Penis Theory suggests that the lack of a third vowel is due to economy of expression.

Anonymous said...

Polanski,

I've noticed that the young people now call them "diversity racists". And yes, all the Democrat candidates fit the definition.

Romeo Romeo Hotel

inman said...

Noticing the difference between Boone's Farm Apple Wine and a fine Rothschild requires a discriminating taste.

Noticing the difference between a two year old's scribbled writing and a Picasso requires a discriminating eye.

Noticing the difference between the scratch of a fingernail on a blackboard and the sound of a Stadivari requires a discrimating ear.

Noticing the difference between the smell of rotten eggs and the smell of a rose requires a discriminating nose.

The carress of a lover or the heat of the stove....a dscriminating sense of touch.


Why may I ask is it wrong to discriminate?

Why is it not correct for the intellect (in addition to the senses) to discriminate?

Anonymous said...

Inman

Is "alternate penis theory" yours? I'm already a fan. What is it?

P

Anonymous said...

To Inman at 12:12:

Slap another twenty pages on that and folks around Duke will call you "Dr. Inman."

_________________

ACCCIO REASON!

Paula McClain is also rumored to be considering reading the following letter during her speech:

Guttentag Gang of 88:

I vas looking over ze shoulder of mine friend zodiac, and I very much vant to offer mine suggestion: Invade mit ze classic pincer movement, zen gas ze prisoners. Raleigh is weak and Chapel Hill will sue for ze peace!

Heil me,

Dolphy

P.S. Mine friend Goebbels says gutten job mit der propaganda!

_____________

Hey, K.C., you know what works on many different levels?

"Not your father's Queer Theory."

(shameless self-promotion)
_____________

When Columbus landed in the Americas, he wondered, "Who the hell is that with the bow tie?" But he said it in his mind in Italian. Amerikkka, Doris Kearns Goodwin (Duke Press 2007). MOO! Gregory

Anonymous said...

"covering up INNOCENCE"...the duke university educational mantra for the 21st century

mac said...

"You can't HANDLE the truth!"

mac said...

"We're listening! But our hearing aids are turned off."

mac said...

"I'm frankly amazed that 88 of us knew how to write our names!"

mac said...

"F'ing DNA!"

mac said...

"88 is a fine number for a lynch mob!"

mac said...

"Go get a rope."

mac said...

"Are you sure that 888 isn't the number of the beast?"

mac said...

"Welcome, David Duke! We have much in common, and much to talk about!"

mac said...

CCI: the Duke version of CCC.

mac said...

"Everything's looking up in Durham!"

mac said...

"If we can't trust the police to lie for us, who can we trust?"

mac said...

"The truth is out there.
It left Duke a long time ago."

mac said...

"Kudos to Jimmy Carter! Many of out graduates will be living in
his housing one day!"

mac said...

"Kudos to Jimmy Carter! Many of our gratuates will be living in
Habitat houses one day!"

mac said...

How many 88ers does it take to change a light bulb?

Who is buried in Grant's tomb?

mac said...

"We the 88ers want to all express our gratitude and admiration to Miss Tara Levicy, without whom
this would not be possible."

rod allison, detroit said...

Turn your hatred, resentment, and erotic fantasies into cash.

Anonymous said...

"Acks me what have you done fo me today? Not what we can do for our fellow man" "We teach kids what they need to no bout racism"

mb said...

"Presumption of Innocence: It's so last century."

Anonymous said...

"Welcome to Dook U.: the central front on the War on White People."

"88 Ways to Just Say No to Being Accountable for your Actions."

"At this fine institution, we will teach you to expand your mind. By the time you leave here, it will make sense to you that a black girl can falsely accuse (again) three white males of sexual assault, and yet the only person to be held accountable for HER actions is another white person."

"Welcome to Durham. May I suggest perusing the Chapel Hill apartment finder?"

"I understand that some of you professional students are aspiring lawyers. Anyone got 15 minutes for me on the meaning of the term 'slander'?"

"[whispering] Whaleena, Whaleena, can you believe we convinced MORE white people to come here any pay 45k per year to do it? Seriously, I really thought the gig was up, I was going to have to find a real job where I would have to actually do something, you know, meet expectations, be held accountable, etc., but seriously, look out there at 1,000 more Lemings ready to go, 45k in hand."

"Welcome distinguished students. I understand that (despite our best efforts, too) many of you worked very hard to get here today, having attained admission to this fine institution on your (gulp) merits and standardized test scores. You would do yourselves a great service to cease any goals at furthering your own merit, and instead devote your time to identifying which whites kept you from getting farther..."

mac said...

"How do those Bloggers do it?
It's like they're reading our minds or something!"

Anonymous said...

McClain after an epiphany...

"Life is defined by how much you improve the lives of others."

Good luck.

May you do better than all of us have.

inman said...

Out of curiosity -- who won?

(That, by the way, could be Paula McLain's talk subject --- or a legitimate question for this thread.)

Nifong's hat trick said...

Welcome to Duke where,(for a small fee),we will nurture your children into the "thugniggaintellectuals" you always dreamed they would be.

Anonymous said...

Recommended topic:

A gender based deconstruction of the scholarship of Ward Churchill and its application to the Duke lacrosse case

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